There is a lot about my childhood that I do not remember I feel it’s been as a way to block out memories that aren’t worth remembering. It was a way my mind protected me from it all. I always wanted to be a social worker and I got my first year in social work done in college, but It lead me to a different passion which was psychology/criminology.
It’s ironic really how wanting to be a therapist is when you have so much un healed trauma yourself. Of course I never knew I did until it was suggested I get into volunteer work on a crisis line. I secured a position with CCASA it was a sexual assault crisis line. I remember my training vividly it was hours and hours long, over a few weeks. I remember it like this because I was 20yrs old and this was the first time I realized I had been abused as a child.
It’s funny really how a common theme in my life is for me to feel like certain abuse was innocent at first. Like how messed up am I. I only just this year at age 35 spoke to a person about the who what and when of my childhood abuse. Or how that person influenced the fact that when my ex husband was sexually abusing me he made it seem alright and not wrong. Even though I knew better, I knew I had asked him to not do what he was doing and about how the details were a running joke with his friends. Not one person stood up and said “dude that’s not right”…
I feel as though I’ve veered off course though. I was a shy kid I didn’t come out of my shell until after high school, I always wanted to be a mother though probably since I was 12. People always think it’s funny I never ended up a teen mom… I suppose you’d have to have some confidence to end up that way at least in my opinion. I had a boyfriend at 17 all the way up until I was 21. I remember thinking after it had ended how much longer I’d have to wait to have a child.
After my 4yr relationship ended I quickly and randomly ended up meeting someone and thought he’s a good guy super nice why wait to have kids just do it now. I did the waiting and it ended now I was gonna try not waiting. I laugh about this now just how little I knew at 21. I only mention this story as a step towards understanding my problems with anxiety due to my trauma. My first husband was/is a great man. He never did a thing to hurt me and I’ll always respect him! I just didn’t know him and realized eventually we really had nothing in common. However divorce is hard and it takes its toll on your mental health. I think I was stronger then though.
2 kids 25 and newly single I felt like I wasn’t worth anything I felt like damaged goods and settled for the next thing that gave me attention. This is probably also attributed to the fact that my childhood make me super self conscious.
Having 3 kids and and 2 failed marriages was enough to break me. Then I added twins into the mix and 6 months later another baby I felt as though my mental health would never be okay again. That was the point I got diagnosed with an anxiety disorder.
I’ve done a lot of work on myself since then but the last 8 months has really had me struggling. They say when you live with anxiety you’re living in a constant state of fight or flight. My go to my whole life was flight. Something switched recently and now I feel like I’m in constant fight mode. I take small problems and make them big and the people in my crossfire can’t understand why it’s so big to me when to them it’s small. My first husband loves to just tell me to get my shit together and honestly I wish it were that simple.
Co parenting with 2 ex’s and being held by them to the same standard they have the ability to hold themselves to because they have no other children of their own is exhausting. They have no idea what it’s like to have 3 babies and still try to give as much attention to the older ones. I have been accused of not loving my other kids as much . No one understands that when my older children were the younger children’s ages they got more from me than I can give to my younger ones now.
On top of all that anxiety, after my second marriage ended my family chose to stay neutral (knowing the things I went through). In fact this last Christmas my husband was working so I had Christmas dinner at my parents with my Children and my ex husband. I can’t even explain how much of a betrayal that feels like.
Now I barely have a relationship with my family at all. I mean it angers my parents now with the new low… but I think they should have been angry years ago. My brother still remains my ex’s best friend…
I have to believe that good things are coming for me. I can’t believe that one person has to suffer this much.
Journey to the now. 
Your story sounds similar to mine. You are strong and amazing and resilient to have come through so much. You have chosen the courageous path to healing and not denial. You are obviously brave and you will overcome.
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