Since I’m about to go for heart surgery I thought I’d blog about the time I suffered a stroke. There’s some funny moments in the story so it’s not sad.
It was Oct 20, 2016 I woke up that morning and had a really funny feeling. I had something on my mind and I couldn’t shake it. I realized I was 3 weeks “late”. I wasn’t at that point really paying attention to those things because when I got pregnant with my last child it took 2 and a half years of trying and being put on fertility meds in order to conceive. However I had this odd feeling and something told me I needed to take a test. I woke up early and ran to the store to buy a test and came back home and quickly went into the bathroom to take it. When I looked down my worst nightmare came true. You see after I had my third child I was most definitely finished having children, 3 is plenty. On top of that I suffered from postpartum issues after he was born and was still fighting that battle 3 yrs later.
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After my third was born I was exclusively breastfeeding; when he was 3 months old he dropped from the 97th percentile to the 3rd. It was noticed at his checkup and my family doctor always airs on the side of caution. She recommended I stop nursing and get him on formula. I immediately stopped nursing cold turkey. I did research after and cutting off nursing early without weaning can send anyone into a hormonal rollercoaster. For me I got the baby blues really bad. I cried all the time and deep down I just felt that something wasn’t right. I struggled with this for about 2 years and then I had a breaking point. I had been stressfully taking care of the kids, this was a few months into my husband at the times job loss. I had worked 10 hrs that day and came home and had to do a huge grocery shop at Costco. Once I had completed shopping I came home and my brother was there hanging out with my husband. I unloaded the groceries cooked dinner for everyone and then went to start the laundry. I was on my second load and my dryer decided to start acting up and it uncontrollably started shaking . At which point I opened the laundry room door to see what was happening. As soon as the door opened down falls 6.65 litres of liquid laundry soap that I had JUST bought. It shattered all over the floor and I had soap on my tiles in my carpet and anywhere else caught in the cross fire. It was at that point I had had enough and that was my breaking point. I laid down on the floor in liquid laundry soap and just cried. I couldn’t move I couldn’t get up that was where I was going to be for awhile. Eventually I was able to get myself up off the floor and ended up in bed. The next day I went to my doctor and she put me on meds that help moderate stress.
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I had to tell you that story so you can understand how and why I was sooo done having kids. I wasn’t able to manage my stress why would I add to it? When I found out I was pregnant that day I fell to the floor the same way that years earlier I had laid in the soap. I called my best friend who just happened to live a few blocks away and luckily she was home and I was at her house by 7am…. (she’s a great friend)
I told her everything. There was the fact that I was living with my husband but we had been legally separated for quite awhile (I couldn’t afford to leave yet). This was making the fact that I was pregnant very complicated, I can’t have a baby while I’m living with someone I have no relationship with. What would he do how fair would that be to me and this baby. At this point her and I came up with a plan. I wouldn’t keep the baby.😢 Having come up with that plan and knowing who I am and my beliefs it was easy to say that I could do something like that but deep down I knew the guilt would kill me and I wouldn’t be able to go through with it.
That evening I went to dinner at my parents house. At that point in my life I had dinner there every Thursday. There I told my catholic mom everything. I was very surprised about the response. She was supportive and just wanted me to know she’d love me no matter what I decided.
I had left at around 8:00 and went home. When I got home I had a few drinks, and was stressing and thinking and worrying… I was watching TV and I don’t know exactly why but I decided I wanted to lie on the ground (big mistake). I was kind of rolling around on the floor when I decided I wanted to get up and go to bed. That’s when everything started, I tried to get off the floor but I couldn’t. I was weak and I thought the alcohol had hit me hard. After about 10 minutes I was able to pull myself up on the couch. I got up and started walking to the bedroom, I was staggering, falling and literally couldn’t walk straight. I was offered no help by my husband who was watching this all unfold.
I got into my bedroom fell off the bed trying to get on about 5 times. I finally made it onto the bed and was thinking about stuff… I had been seeing someone (my now husband) for about 8 weeks at this point and he was supposed to leave for Saskatchewan the next day and he wanted to see me before he left. I grabbed my phone to answer his texts he sent about it. I picked up my phone and it took me many try’s to unlock it. Once it was unlocked I opened my texts, as I was reading them I realized I can see words and I know how to read but all of a sudden I couldn’t read. I saw words but they had no meaning. My brain was like what is wrong with you these are easy words any grade 1 kid can read. At this point my husband had come in to check what was going on and I turned to him and tried to speak. It was terrifying to hear the words I was trying to speak come out mangled like they did. That’s when I realized something was terribly wrong. I threw my phone at my husband and tried to communicate he needed to call 911. Like it wasn’t obvious? Can’t walk check, can’t read check, can’t speak check…
It took almost 30 minutes to communicate he needed to call… I was so angry about it that within a minute I heard sirens and went outside to wait. I didn’t want to be anywhere near him. When the ambulance showed up the paramedics brought me back inside mostly because I couldn’t answer their questions and they would need him to answer them. He exaggerated every answer. Like has she been drinking he just said ya not (well she didn’t drink much…) they asked about medication and why I was taking things and that’s when I really realized he was clueless. He had no idea what I had been dealing with.
The paramedics were told that I had found out that morning that I was pregnant and that it wasn’t a “good thing”. Their opinions were more like “she’s had a really rough day” (which was something that they repeated probably 10 times while they were my voice). They decided to take me to a hospital just to be sure there wasn’t anything else going on. One asked me which hospital I wanted to go to. The smart paramedic was like we should go to the foothills just because they’re the only hospital with a stroke ward.
I remember vividly them wheeling me into check in and the paramedics went to the counter to talk to the intake nurse. He told her everything that had just happened and all of a sudden I could hear her voice change and she got louder and what I figured was angry. She said some things about them having to follow stroke protocol which meant sirens and calling ahead to have the stroke unit available immediately. The next thing I knew I was being carried onto a stretcher had been assigned a bed and the stroke unit walking in the same time I got back (this all happened in a matter of 3 minutes).
My husband called my brother to watch the children and he met me at the hospital my parents had beat him there and I saw them in the waiting room as I was wheeled in.
I was hopeful when I had seen how seriously the nurse was taking my situation. Unfortunately the doctors had come to same conclusion immediately that the paramedics had (except with an added drug addiction).
I’m not judging all these healthcare professionals just to be clear. When all you see all day everyday is drunks and addicts showing symptoms of problems that are only there because of their addiction well you’ll always start there. I was 31 a ballet teacher who hasn’t smoked a day in her life and is not overweight. I had none of the prerequisites of typical stroke sufferers.
So because I was pregnant the first test they sent me for what CTscan without contrast. After that test was done the doctors told me “well there’s a blip on the scan which I mean could be a clot or it could be from the machine”. The only way to know would be to have a contrast CT. Which they weren’t willing to do until they had ruled out all other options so I had blood drawn and my urine tested, which later I realized was to rule out drugs or alcohol. After all that the doctors are back and said well at this point the benefits outweigh the risk so we’re going to do a contrast CT. I said ok. I was having major anxiety so they gave me Ativan and sent me in I was quickly back in my bed and able to talk and type again. I shot a message to Tyler that I’m sorry I didn’t see him or respond to his messages but I was in the hospital and I think I had a stroke. It was 1am and within minutes he responded and demanded to visit, we both eventually agreed that wouldn’t be a good idea as my parents were with me and my ex was in the waiting room (because I wouldn’t allow him in to emergency with me).
Shortly after the last CT I saw the doctors I had been dealing with walking towards me their heads were down and I could see sadness in their eyes. The younger one (who was just a student) sat down next to me and apologized to me, I could see the shame in his eyes. He said you suffered from a thrombosis on the left side of your brain, meaning you have had a stroke and we have to admit you now. He felt so guilty that he had made these accusations and that his judgement led to such a delay in finding the truth.
I spent the next 5 days in the hospital getting a day pass to go home on the weekend days, while they ran test after test to try to find out why someone like me could have possibly had a stroke. I remember being wheeled into unit 10 at the foothills and in big letters on the wall it said “stroke ward”. It was a very surreal experience. My first night was very interesting I remember being given a bed in what was supposed to be a closet, right outside my room was a body length mirror. There are tons of elderly who had just suffered strokes who were working with therapists. There was a stairwell right beside my room and a therapist had brought her patient up the stairs and when she saw the mirror she thought it was the doorway and tried to climb inside the mirror 3 times before the therapist convinced her it wasn’t a door way. 🥰 another night I went into the main room (which was the only room with a bathroom) I saw the door was closed.. the rule was none of the doors locked so if the door is closed someone’s in there. I remember walking in and seeing no lights on but the bathroom door closed, I was debating whether or not to check if it was in use when I heard this sweet elderly voice beside me say “excuse me? Are you lost?” 😂 I fell I love with these people immediately. I still wonder how they are doing today….
When I was on the ward my ex husband was there with our son for all the days. So were my parents. I remember him being so frustrated at the doctors because laundry needed to get done at which point my main doctor suggested he go home and do it and leave me alone. I also remember the day I was getting discharged. The whole time I was in there I was stressed about not being at work. My ex wasn’t working and needed to work. The day my doctor came in to discharge me he sat down and told me a few things. He said number one you can’t keep this baby there’s a huge risk now that you could potentially not make it through the pregnancy, and 2 you can’t drive or work for the next month. At which point I heard my husband gasp and the doctor looked at him and suggested he call the social worker.
While I waited for that visit my ex was ranting and raving about how are the bills going to get paid. Now my mom stood up and said something so out of character; but she was upset and scared for me. She turned to him and matter of factly suggested HE find a job. On top of all that whenever I was released on a day pass she sent someone over to make sure I wasn’t doing the laundry…
The social worker just simply stated the only option for me was to collect medical EI and for him to figure it out.
Not being able to drive for a month made things so difficult I was happy I had tyler to drive me and my kids around, my kids to school and extracurricular activities and me to appts which seemed so frequent, also to and from our work to hand off constant paperwork.
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My best friend sat at my side the day they took my baby at 6wks and 3 days. I rejected any offer of meds and sedatives as I felt the need to actually feel what had to happen not just physically but emotionally, I remember crying hysterically in recovery after and nurses constantly coming up to me to make sure my pain wasn’t physical. They weren’t used to hearing the emotional pain as most women who go through this did because the baby wasn’t wanted. I still to this day carry the pain and guilt of this choice. Even though at the end it was no longer a choice.
I recovered smoothly thank god! I believe to this day since they can’t find one logical medical explanation as to why I suffered a stroke that this was gods way of steering me to a new path he knew I wouldn’t take willingly.
In return after this I was blessed with 3 additional children I couldn’t imagine living without.
Journey to the now. 