Coming out the other end.

With all that is going on right now I am definitely not in a proper state of mind. I am angry and I am hurt. I am not handling myself in a way I’m proud of. I know I’m better than this.

I have allowed the actions of others to impact my life in such negative ways that now I’m hurting others because it’s easier for me to hurt people then be the one getting hurt. I come off petty and small and in the end of it all, if I push people away then at least I won’t end up hurt like I always do.

It’s been a pretty common theme in my relationship now that because I was never able to fight or defend myself against my ex that my husband now gets punished for my past. While I am aware of what I’m doing I feel the inability to stop it. I am working everyday on that, I have a partner that won’t leave no matter how hard I push and it’s so needed more than he could ever know.

I’m constantly afraid right now about coming out the other end of this still a whole person. I have to try and hold myself accountable and to find to try hope in what feels like a hopeless situation. I’ve always thought of myself a strong person and it kills me to feel weak right now. I question every bump or scrape my kids get and live in a state of fear that someone will think I did it.

I have so much support from friends and family and I have to look forward to the future and stop living in the past. That’s the only way to come out the other end whole and not alone.